Wondrous curiosity
Keeps my heart beating.
What ifs and I wonders
Insurmountable things that could be.

But this is different.
The inevitable stalks my thoughts.
It could all be over,
All it takes is a moment.

We stood at the edge of together
and the only thing holding us back
was forever,
Forever in wisps; lighter than air.

A future blown wild;
Controlled chaos that bound us,
Heartstring to heartstring.
New seeds of us; our love.

Taking chances on each other.
Closing your eyes and letting go.
Our new spring creation
and all it took was a blow.

A blow to the heart,
A blow to the soul;
One deep breath
Wishing for more.

But what more could there be? What was left but you and me?

I'm twenty. Me. Twenty. Britt. Mrsmok. Twenty. I am twenty. I keep saying that over and over again. I feel like some kind of wine connoisseur savoring a new wine. I'm trying to analyze every taste, every emotion, every feeling. I'm twenty. On the one hand I feel wholly unprepared for this new part of my life. It feels too big. Twenty. But on the other hand, I'm ready. I need this right now. I need this opportunity to move forward with my life.

I'm putting a lot of pressure on this birthday. I'm seeing this as a landmark for more than just not being a teenager anymore. It is so much more than that. The last year of my teenage life has been the most altogether draining of them all. Not just mentally, but physically and perhaps more daunting, emotionally. It's been a rollercoaster ride that I'm not convinced I will ever get over.

No, things didn't start to go on the proverbial down hill track after I turned 19, but I see tomorrow as more than just the closing of another year of my life. I feel as though I'm ending an entire volume of life to open a new one as an adult. And sure, twenty usually isn't much more than a numerical stepping stone. Something about it is different. I'm making it mean something to me. I can't remember when I turned 13; just that I was excited to be a teenager. For some reason that title was going to change me. I remember when I turned 16 and didn't get my driver's license. I remember my 18th birthday and going to Six Flags and being given five dollars from a stranger. Five dollars I used to buy a lottery ticket and was more than happy to turn over my ID when I was carded. Being legal had this charm too it that quickly wore off. I remember last year and getting properly tipsy for the first time while in St. Petersburg, Russia. Shallow and superficial memories.

Tomorrow is going to be different. I'm going to make it different. Twenty. This new part of my life is giving me a perfect opportunity to start over. To let go of failed relationships and move forward to make new ones. It's the time for me to cultivate myself into the woman I know I can be. The woman I want to be. I'm not a teenager anymore. I can feel it, even though the clock hasn't struck midnight yet. Twenty.

I've learned a lot during the last twenty years of my life. Here are a few cliched quotes that don't nearly begin to scratch the surface:

Don't put dishwashing liquid in the dishwasher. I know it seems like it would make sense in principle, but it doesn't work that way.

Nobody is worth losing sleep over.

When faced with a difficult decision, try not to make it while on the rag or PMS'ing. Always sleep on it.

Follow your first mind & your own advice.

Nothing lasts forever, but just because the song stops doesn't mean you shouldn't enjoy the music.

Never underestimate the power of the kindness of a stranger.

Everybody is going through something. You have no idea what it is. Watch what you say and how you treat others. It affects them more than you know.

Although "I'm sorry" is contrite and overused, know when to apologize.

This, too, shall pass.

Oddly enough, this is one of the few posts where I couldn't come up with an appropriate title. I blame BigShow.
Enjoy your Flag Day.